Chances are you’ve dated an asshole during your dating career. It might be possible that you yourself are or have been an asshole. It should be noted that ASSHOLE is not an adjective specially assigned to the male species but has a seat in the Equality For All box, intended for all men, women and, yes, child. If you’ve been wondering:
- “Am I dating an Asshole?”
- “Am I an Asshole?”
- “Have I ever been with an Asshole?”
- “Are my friends right? Is he/she who I’ve been dating a major Hole in the Ass?”
- “How can I avoid an Asshole?”
Below you will find a comprehensive list noting 10 PROMINENT SYMPTOMS of the Asshole Datee:
1. You have NEVER received a phone call.
Not to be confused with the phone call(s) you may have gotten in the initial setting up of the first date or the call to tell you to come outside now because no one has time to knock or ring a door bell, even if they aren’t picking you up in a car and double parking isn’t an issue. Instead, you’ve been told, “Texting is just easier for me; I’m an in-person person”, as they put a finger up to excuse themselves to take a phone call from their sidekick to get the latest life update.
2. They point out your flaws and idiosyncrasies, strictly to take you down a notch or two.
It can commonly be mistaken as “constructive criticism”, but there’s nothing constructive when they continually tell you the mole on your face, hair on your back, accent from your place of birth, way you walk or laugh would be sooooo much better if you changed it or got rid of it altogether–because you’d be more attractive.
3. EVERYTHING is for their convenience.
You find yourself waiting up at 3am because you asked to see them, but the only time they would be available is at the crack of dawn because they couldn’t turn down that party with the same folks they party with every weekend; You are an hour away from home on a weeknight for a dinner date at Applebee’s because that’s their local chain restaurant; They only gave you a ride home because it’s near their next destination for the day; And they finally gave you a phone call because it’s in between the next scheduled activity in their day.
4. Holidays and Birthdays aren’t for you to feel special.
You finally decided this year is the year to get down and have the best B-day Bash, Xmas Party, Turkey Day Bananzaaa!!! The theme is all set, the dress code is in place, everyone you love is going to be there, the ambiance is on point, your outfit is to die for, your make up or hair cut is ‘Poppin!’, and no one can tell you nothing. And in walks Mr./Ms. Asshole: three hours late; empty-handed; dressed like they forgot to pay the electric bill this month; with an entourage of individuals you’ve never met nor been told about–but he/she is ready to party because they were pre-gaming it up, with said entourage, in the city first–and you no longer want to introduce him/her to friends and family because they are too busy hosting their crew since it’s now their night instead of yours.
5. Manipulates every story of their shortcomings to earn sympathy.
The Selfish Inconsiderate Asshole when you have no place to crash for the night: “I didn’t offer you my place to sleep over when you moved because my mom says the only person I should have at my place is the person I’m married to, and the one thing I can do, since she’s not here anymore, is follow that one piece of advice. She was married to my dad until death you know…” Meanwhile we all know their mom specifically said, “a person shouldn’t LIVE with you before marriage”.
Or “When I was a child I was bullied”, as the reason why the world must revolve around them and focus on every extracurricular activity they get involved in like joining an amateur softball team to compete in a game on the same day you said you were going to your best friend’s wedding. You:”You sure you can’t make it?” Asshole: “No one ever picked me to be on their team in gym and look at me now! I’m sure you can come to my game, and go to the wedding after– Isn’t the reception the best part anyway?”
6. Literally tells you they’re an Asshole.
“Yeah, I’m an asshole. hahahaha” or “I can be an asshole ::chuckle chuckle::”
7. In your time of NEED, they leave you hanging.
You just wanted to spend the night in and have movie night with homemade popcorn and sip wine and/or beer with your Mister/Miss Asshole, but they insisted you try this new spot they’ve been wanting to go to since, according to them, “You’ve been anti-social for way too long now”. At the bar, the two of you are waiting for your drinks and this hormone-raging, belligerent person pushes up against you. As you try to scoot over, you accidentally step on their foot; and as the apology exits your mouth, this crazed individual explicitly curses you out and delivers the contents of their suspect, half-filled glass to your face. And your Mister/Miss Asshole asks, “What did you do?”; turns to the bartender to get his/her drink and says, “I don’t think we’ll need the other drink, thanks”; turns back to you, sips on their drink and says, “Wow, glad that wasn’t me. You’re not going to let that asshole ruin your night are you?”
8. What Should be simple tasks are marked as special privileges.
You’d just like, for once, to not have to walk back home with all the groceries in your hand; and the minute you ask for a ride from the supermarket, there’s a lecture on, “Don’t you have other people to help you with this? What were you doing before I was around?” As if you didn’t just pick up their favorite food to make dinner for the both of you. Or “Oh my God! You want me to take public trans for how long?! To come to your place? Can’t you just come here?? Ok, fine this time, and you’re paying for my fare.”
9. Your goals are second/last to theirs.
You finally got the promotion at work you’ve been dying for and there is a company dinner being held in recognition of all the exceptional employees. But Mister/Miss Asshole can’t make it because Kevin and Jane are hosting an ALS Party on the same night and that is the only time they can possibly complete their challenge: “We’re trying to break the record for ‘The most people to do the challenge at once’. You should come!” If you’re wondering if they just ignored the news you told them, that’s a No–they weren’t listening to you in the first place. Nothing tops the ALS challenge.
10. EVERY DAY YOU QUESTION YOURSELF.
Every day you wake up and press the mental replay button on the last situation that pissed you off. And you wonder if you’re the metaphorical crackhead addicted to bullshit or if he/she is really this self-absorbed, inconsiderate, unloving, narcissistic, disgusting example of a human being asshole?
If two or more of these symptoms are displayed in the person you’re dating, please be advised, this is a full-fledged ASSHOLE. It is noted, currently no vaccines or antidotes are available to cure this disease of the heart, mind, body, and, arguably, soul. Precautions should be taken when engaging with these individuals, as severe cases have been shown to be contagious. The best remedy in dealing with an ASSHOLE, is to send a scathing email in which you include the above symptoms and examples, of why you will never speak to them again as he/she is a cost to your well-being.