596. 516 friends on facebook, 80 followers on WordPress.com. 596 that’s how many people I can spread a message to, first hand.
Two months ago I finally decided to stop watching CNN. Two months ago I had my heart broken by someone I love. Two months ago I finally decided to share my experience growing up as a black woman. And two weeks ago my world was swallowed into a darkness so great the depths of the ocean couldn’t compete. What do they all have in common? Nothing, but to highlight the existence of a superficial facade of iridescent light at the end of a tunnel.
How do you begin to put words to a pain so overwhelmingly deep and consuming that you are fearful, you may only feel, but even more frightened countless of others feel as well? I haven’t slept well since the first verdict, but I haven’t sleep well in years. The difference now is there’s no hiding from the truth.
I want so badly to write words on this screen that will epitomize exactly what it is I feel running through my being, to some how give tribute to the pain because some how I think perhaps if I can just verbalize with finesse and pontifications this will ease some of the ache. The sorrow won’t be so gripping. But NOTHING I say/type, no matter how eloquent or raw will EVER make this sense of hopelessness lift. I don’t want to be hopeless but I’ve laid in bed without sleeping thinking, “All I have to do is….” And I came up with the idea, ‘State Of Union’ the piece I wrote/spoke, If I can just get one person to listen perhaps it will cause an affect within, that will lead to change/action or just comfort an affirmation in knowing they are not alone. But I began to doubt it, because, Eric Garner and Mike Brown aren’t the first, they aren’t news. We aren’t shocked or surprised…this happens ALL THE TIME. This is the price of being Black in America. Some feel protesting won’t do anything, I felt upset at first, because it sounds like we should just give up. But I realized, it’s true. Protesting is a means to relieve pain and anger, to put the emotion into action. But overall, this is like when you realized perhaps there is no God and his/her existence is for the mere comfort of your mortality. What’s worse is, how does one carry any faith now? I’ve believe in a higher power of some kind but you can’t help but ask– if that’s so, how can this be? That we have been enslaved for so long? When will our day arrive, where is the justice?
I don’t have a plan yet, I don’t have clout, I don’t matter to that many people. I haven’t been popular since 2007– around the time Facebook placed the honesty box on our walls and I was told “You have no personality” by Mr./Miss. Anonymous and was once again told in 2013 by an instructor whom I will always loathe. I have no sway, no pull, no great impactful influence on the masses. I can’t get likes in an instant and I’m pretty awkward with small talk and terrible with being ingratiating. And though I feel endlessly hopeless at the moment, my one small recompense in losing my faith in humanity is STATE OF THE UNION. The cause is genuine, just, and meaningful and the only way at the moment I can contribute. 596…That’s a great place to start. I thought aiming low was good enough, if I can just get 100 views I’ve done better than I would have thought; but Kim K can break the internet with ignorance and nudity. Why can’t I with you? 596 is enough to make a statement. If this spoke to you in any way, please watch and share this piece I have worked on purposefully. You are a part of 596 and you can give me and others hope as well.